It’s 5am here.
I seem to get the urge to write at the crack of dawn lately.
This is something that’s been on my mind for awhile….to share, not to share…….
I decided to go for it.
Surely, SURELY, someone else out there is feeling the same or understands what I’m going through.
Kent and I have been together for 13 years.
We’ve seen couples connect, get engaged, marry, have multiple babies, relationships end, and new ones begging all before we tied the knot.
And here we are.
We move a little slower than most.
Up to this point it’s just been us.
We come and go as we please.
We travel and only worry about the 2 of us.
We work a lot. Overtime when needed…..no problem!
We go go go.
We have down time.
Random meetups with friends…..of course!
Our finances are set up just so.
We LOVE when it’s just the 2 of us.
We laugh a lot and 13 years later still really enjoy each other’s company.
As you know this “Just Us” chapter is soon coming to end and a new chapter beginning.
In a month and a half the just us will be just us plus 1.
Don’t get me wrong. We’re thrilled and felt that we were ready for this new chapter.
I really feel that I was born to mother. It’s in my blood.
Children are a huge passion of mine and parenting is an obsession for me.
Shoot my degree is in Parenting and Family Development.
We of course want this and felt that it was time for us to become parents.
What an amazing gift we’ve been given.
Along with all that love and excitement if I’m being honest I’m scared and sad to say goodbye to the “Just Us” phase.
It’s been sweet and full of amazing memories.
It’s all I’ve known for the past 13 years.
Who will we be as parents?
Where is that going to fit?
What will our house look like with a family in it?
Will I ever sleep again?
Will it be all about Weston or will I still be able to find a love and passion for nurturing the “Just Us” part as well? Will Kent fight for it with me?
Will Kent still love me when I’m covered in spit up, running on no sleep, and emotional?
What does this mean to me as a business owner? How will I run my business and be the hands on mommy I so badly want to be.
Will Kent and I stay strong and overcome the stress of parenting?
Will I ever have a moment when I’m not worried or concerned for Weston…..is he ok….is he hungry……. is he happy….….am I being a good wife………did I fulfill my role as a mommy today…….and I’m doing the best I can do?
These questions and many more run through my mind and well, it makes my heart race.
I realize in all this anxiety that being able to even have these thoughts and concerns is a gift.
Kent and I always had a strong feeling that we wouldn't be able to have our own children.
I can’t really explain why just something that we felt to be true.
Being together for as long as we have and not being on birth control for the past 5 years will do that to ya.
8 months in I still look at my tummy and can’t believe our sweet boy is growing inside.
I’m actually going to be a mommy and Kent a father to a baby that is part him and part me.
I feel guilty for feeling this way but I can’t be alone right? Maybe I am.
Maybe this will bring on hate mail from mothers and hopeful parents that say I’m being selfish and ungrateful.
I really hope this does not come off that way but I understand if it does.
Also if you do want to send me hate mail I ask that you read this whole post before you send me something ugly.
It really irks me when someone says something snarky without fully reading what they are commenting on.
This mainly happens on Facebook and Instagram.
Back on track!
We just got back from an amazing trip to Colorado.
More on that in a later post.
As we were leaving the hotel I went to the bathroom and cried.
Silly yes I know, but I felt it was our last “Just Us” hurrah and I needed a moment to say goodbye.
We were going home to a “Prepare for Baby List” 3 pages long (not over exaggerating) and family coming into town for a month……the last month of pregnancy when things are already going to be nuts.
1 person visiting has caused a lot of tears and stress in our relationship.
There are some unsolved issues that are just festering in the back of my mind, anger, hurt, just a whole slew of emotions. I’m angry at myself for harboring negative feelings…..
”Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
I hope that we get to a place of love and understanding but dealing with all that is not something I really don’t want to face during my last month of pregnancy.
I wan this time to be for us….Kent, me, and our unborn child.
We will never get this time back.
I felt that once we got on that plane I was saying goodbye to us and hello to a list full of todo’s and a possibly a stressful encounter with a family member.
Not really what I envisioned our last month of pregnant bliss.
It really has been blissful!
I’m one of those annoying pregnant ladies that skips and flashes smiles all day even on the hard days.
I LOVE IT! It’s been such a sweet journey!
It’s my fault for waiting so late in the game to take care of things….
I planned it so that we could knock everything out during my maternity leave.
Not the best plan but here we are.
Soooooo I have all these worries and concerns about this new chapter we’re starting……
Sadness of saying goodbye to the “Just Us” chapter…..
Fear of the unknown…..
Tons of things I need to take care of so we can relaxed and focus on Weston when we get home……
A a family member visiting that has caused a hurt heart and a relationship that needs some mending……
And a soul full of gratitude, joy, excitement, and mushy love!
All that coupled with pregnancy hormones pretty much means I randomly break out into tears these days.
I usually start crying about 1 thing then think about a million other things that keep the flood gates open.
I share this hoping that I’m not alone.
Is it normal to feel this way before such a joyful welcomed change?
Maybe there are other soon to be mommies out there in their 8 month that are feeling exactly the same way and are wondering if they too are alone.
I want to be honest and open.
This is such an exciting time for us.
I want to remember all the amazing parts but I want to remember all the worries and concerns I had as well.
It’s real life and part of our journey.
Stress, concern, joy, gratitude, and excitement all wrapped up into one beautiful bundle.
Who knows, maybe one day my daughter pregnant with my grandchild will read this and get some relief.
My son will look about at this and see how badly I wanted to be a good mommy to him.
How I wanted to provide a loving welcoming home.
Just how much I love his father.
How much we wanted him before he was even here.
Adding Weston into our lives is part of our story.
I’m just not sure how it’s all going to play out.
I will say that I’m excited to see where this little bundle takes us!