Friday, July 19, 2013

Just Us

It’s 5am here.
I seem to get the urge to write at the crack of dawn lately.
This is something that’s been on my mind for awhile….to share, not to share…….
I decided to go for it.
Surely, SURELY, someone else out there is feeling the same or understands what I’m going through.

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Kent and I have been together for 13 years.
We’ve seen couples connect, get engaged, marry, have multiple babies, relationships end, and new ones begging all before we tied the knot.
And here we are. 
We move a little slower than most.

Up to this point it’s just been us.
We come and go as we please.
We travel and only worry about the 2 of us.
We work a lot. Overtime when needed…..no problem! 
We go go go.
We have down time.
Dinners out….SURE.
Random meetups with friends…..of course!
Our finances are set up just so.
We LOVE when it’s just the 2 of us.
We laugh a lot and 13 years later still really enjoy each other’s company.

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As you know this “Just Us” chapter is soon coming to end and a new chapter beginning.
In a month and a half the just us will be just us plus 1.
Don’t get me wrong. We’re thrilled and felt that we were ready for this new chapter.  
I really feel that I was born to mother. It’s in my blood.
Children are a huge passion of mine and parenting is an obsession for me.
Shoot my degree is in Parenting and Family Development.
We of course want this and felt that it was time for us to become parents.
What an amazing gift we’ve been given.

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Along with all that love and excitement if I’m being honest I’m scared and sad to say goodbye to the “Just Us” phase.
It’s been sweet and full of amazing memories.  
It’s all I’ve known for the past 13 years.

Who will we be as parents?
Where is that going to fit?
What will our house look like with a family in it?
Will I ever sleep again?
Will it be all about Weston or will I still be able to find a love and passion for nurturing the “Just Us” part as well? Will Kent fight for it with me?
Will Kent still love me when I’m covered in spit up, running on no sleep, and emotional?
What does this mean to me as a business owner? How will I run my business and be the hands on mommy I so badly want to be.
Will Kent and I stay strong and overcome the stress of parenting?
Will I ever have a moment when I’m not worried or concerned for Weston…..is he ok….is he hungry……. is he happy….….am I being a good wife………did I fulfill my role as a mommy today…….and I’m doing the best I can do?

These questions and many more run through my mind and well, it makes my heart race.

I realize in all this anxiety that being able to even have these thoughts and concerns is a gift.
Kent and I always had a strong feeling that we wouldn't be able to have our own children.
I can’t really explain why just something that we felt to be true.
Being together for as long as we have and not being on birth control for the past 5 years will do that to ya. 
8 months in I still look at my tummy and can’t believe our sweet boy is growing inside.
I’m actually going to be a mommy and Kent a father to a baby that is part him and part me.
Amazing!

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I feel guilty for feeling this way but I can’t be alone right? Maybe I am.


Maybe this will bring on hate mail from mothers and hopeful parents that say I’m being selfish and ungrateful.
I really hope this does not come off that way but I understand if it does.
Also if you do want to send me hate mail I ask that you read this whole post before you send me something ugly. 
It really irks me when someone says something snarky without fully reading what they are commenting on.
This mainly happens on Facebook and Instagram.

Back on track!

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We just got back from an amazing trip to Colorado.
More on that in a later post.
As we were leaving the hotel I went to the bathroom and cried.
Silly yes I know, but I felt it was our last “Just Us” hurrah and I needed a moment to say goodbye.

  
We were going home to a “Prepare for Baby List” 3 pages long (not over exaggerating) and family coming into town for a month……the last month of pregnancy when things are already going to be nuts.
1 person visiting has caused a lot of tears and stress in our relationship.
There are some unsolved issues that are just festering in the back of my mind, anger, hurt, just a whole slew of emotions. I’m angry at myself for harboring negative feelings…..
”Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
I hope that we get to a place of love and understanding but dealing with all that is not something I really don’t want to face during my last month of pregnancy.  
I wan this time to be for us….Kent, me, and our unborn child.
We will never get this time back.

 

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I felt that once we got on that plane I was saying goodbye to us and hello to a list full of todo’s and a possibly a stressful encounter with a family member.
Not really what I envisioned our last month of pregnant bliss.

It really has been blissful!  
I’m one of those annoying pregnant ladies that skips and flashes smiles all day even on the hard days.
I LOVE IT! It’s been such a sweet journey!

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It’s my fault for waiting so late in the game to take care of things….
Work…..work……blah….busy……blah……ya know.
I planned it so that we could knock everything out during my maternity leave.
Not the best plan but here we are.

Soooooo I have all these worries and concerns about this new chapter we’re starting……
Sadness of saying goodbye to the “Just Us” chapter…..
Fear of the unknown…..
Tons of things I need to take care of so we can relaxed and focus on Weston when we get home……
A a family member visiting that has caused a hurt heart and a relationship that needs some mending…… 
And a soul full of gratitude, joy, excitement, and mushy love!
All that coupled with pregnancy hormones pretty much means I randomly break out into tears these days.
I usually start crying about 1 thing then think about a million other things that keep the flood gates open. 

 

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I share this hoping that I’m not alone.
Is it normal to feel this way before such a joyful welcomed change?
Maybe there are other soon to be mommies out there in their 8 month that are feeling exactly the same way and are wondering if they too are alone.

I want to be honest and open.
This is such an exciting time for us.
I want to remember all the amazing parts but I want to remember all the worries and concerns I had as well.

It’s real life and part of our journey.

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Stress, concern, joy, gratitude, and excitement all wrapped up into one beautiful bundle.
Who knows, maybe one day my daughter pregnant with my grandchild will read this and get some relief.
My son will look about at this and see how badly I wanted to be a good mommy to him.
How I wanted to provide a loving welcoming home.
Just how much I love his father.
How much we wanted him before he was even here.


Adding Weston into our lives is part of our story.
I’m just not sure how it’s all going to play out.
I will say that I’m excited to see where this little bundle takes us!

 
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8 comments:

  1. Hey Kendra.. Thanks for being so real.... Even though, I'm not in the same phase as you--I totally get it.... You guys have had an awesome journey just the two of you--most don't get that--everyone moves so quickly.... I have so enjoyed all your pics and following your journey. I hope everyone involved can open there hearts and let love come in to resolve the anxiety that you have over said person. Take Care and enjoy the last few weeks of this phase--as you said you can't get it back.. And your pics from CO are adorable...

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  2. Hey there! Just catching up on your blog.

    Those are completely normal feelings to have. If I'm being honest I will say bringing kids into the mix is really hard work. It takes a little while to adjust but it is true that it will change your family and marriage for the better if you let it.

    My advice is to always remember how important the "just us" is and make sure y'all make time for each other even when you have to carve out time. Y'all seen like you have a great relationship and I'm sure everything will be great!

    Enjoy every second of your last month. It will be the last month of your first pregnancy...something to treasure.

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  3. You're certainly not alone in your feelings. I think it's normal and a good thing. If you're not prepared for what's to come, you'll be blindsided with reality. Some people become parents thinking nothing will change, and they're very wrong. I think it's great that you two took your time, and were really ready for parenthood. Your son will be better off for it. <3

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  4. That's so normal, I think! I remember feeling that before our first daughter was born. We had dated 3.5 years, then were married about 4.5 by the time she arrived!
    Now, two baby girls later, we can't imagine life without them! And we've learned (sometimes the hard way) that even just a dinner out and a walk around Target together (without kids) helps us reconnect when life gets hectic. Seriously, even a two-hour date night can do us a world of good:)

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  5. First of all congrats! I have a 5 month old baby girl named Kailea and you are not alone. The last month of my pregnancy we were renovating a rental and I barely saw my husband and I would just cry thinking how badly I just wanted to cherish being with him before baby arrived. I wish I could tell you things won't change but they will. Some days your heart will be so full you will cry and other days you will wonder how you are ever going to juggle so much. But I guarantee that no matter how tired you are or how bad the day seems you and Kent will be okay as long as you choose to laugh and not yell. (It sounds silly but when your baby has thrown up or pooped on you you will have a choice to laugh or cry... choose to laugh)
    Another thing I want to note just because I wish someone had told me is the fact that if you do have to have a cesarean (I did) as much as you will want to introduce Weston to everyone please take an hour or two or even the whole first day and only allow a few select few people for just a little bit. Then do skin to skin time with little Weston. I didn't do this and by the end of the first day everyone left and it was 11pm and I broke down crying while starring at this baby girl that I didn't have any bond with... yet. It was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. I just didn't have a connection quite yet and felt like she was ripped from me with the cesarean. I then spent 4 weeks with Post Pardum and felt like I was waiting for her parents to come get her. I was just scared to bond with her I think. I really hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible mother because my daughter and husband are the WORLD to me but you were so honest I just wanted you to know. (I also hope this doesn't sound like a horrible birth story that women always tell to pregnant women... I don't want to scare you if you do have a cesarean it is super easy! Just take the time to really bond with Weston once he is born) Well this is the longest comment ever and for that I am sorry.
    I am praying for a safe, healthy, quick, pain free delivery for you and Weston!

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  6. It is super normal kendra~ I was like that up until the very last day thinking I won't be able to do this or that anymore ugh... But Those feelings wash away quick once baby is here.

    You will figure out how to best fit in "just us" time when y'all are all settled in. It is important as a husband and wife to reconnect without baby/child. You will both work towards that together. Hugs sweet girl

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  7. I will say that I totally understand your fears and Jeremy and I have discussed the same thing many times! We were together 13 years when our twins were born and I think having SO much time as just a duo makes it harder than if you've been with your significant other a shorter period. I mean, almost half my life was just me and him! Crazy! But that's not to say you won't adjust. You will. There will be hard times and things you miss but your beautiful baby boy will make it all worth it!

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  8. Kendra, you are a beautiful person, inside and out, and I know you will make an amazing mommy to Weston. You and Kent will figure it all out in your own way and I'm sure you'll miss the time alone, but you'll also love your little one so much that you'll just know you could never go back and you really wouldn't want to. It's normal to worry. And it's okay to be sad, even after your bundle of joy comes home. It's a hard transition, but you'll get through it and you'll cherish every moment, good and bad. <3

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